Setting the bar / competing with kids

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Go Bubba Go
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Setting the bar / competing with kids

Post by Go Bubba Go »

This string started as a reply in another thread. Maxxsacrifice indicated that his son's car had turned in a very good performance during a recent derby and
Maxxsacrifice wrote:He did have the track record until my car ran :D
i.e. he had surpassed his boy's own stellar performance.

My reply was as follows:
Go Bubba Go wrote:Mrs. Bubba and I have the occasional "philosophy" discussion on this subject. She thinks I am too hard on the kids, and need to "let them win" more often.

I find myself frequently (there's a bit of a competitive streak in our family) riding that fine line, trying not to discourage them by "whoopin' up" on them, but not dumbing things down to rob them of the chance of a meaningful victory and the chance to learn that real success requires real dedication.

Up to about 5 years of age, they "win" regularly at all sorts of games. As they get older and smarter (and cagier), I raise the bar and the victories become more rare (and more meaningful) for them.

Now that the kids are getting older and beginning to really challenge Dear Old Dad, I think she is starting to see the benefits of making them stretch for a real victory. They spank her pretty regularly at Chess, I think that if I don't soon pick up a book on the subject they may soon surpass me also.

It's hard to explain the mixed emotions (pride, shock, embarrassment, pride) I had when my 10 year old recently stumped me on a vocabulary word. :( (Defenestration - I had to look it up)

When it comes to PWD, for now I'm still the king. Video games, well that's another story...
I appreciate the general tone of this board with respect to the "it's for the boys (and girls)" emphasis and would appreciate any feedback you guys have on the approach I have described above (or any "bewares").

One of the things I have been doing recently is following up on victories (Chess, PWD, etc.) by explaining (usually by prompting with questions) how exactly I managed to pull out the win. As I keep handing over all my "secrets", the competition is getting pretty tough.

Any other thoughts?
"Who's Grandpa's neighbor?"... Phil Davis, Down and Derby
Gameday
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Re: Setting the bar / competing with kids

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Yeah, this is a tough area and it's hard to know what the best approach is. I have a buddy whose dad played for Pittsburgh on a World Series baseball team. His dad was extremely competitve and could not stand to lose. Growing up my buddy said he never beat his dad at anything. Then, when he finally beat his dad at a game of basketball, his dad hauled off and punched him in the head :shock:

My friend went on to play college baseball (was on the team at AZ St. with Barry Bonds) and was drafted in the major leagues. My friend is well adjusted, is competitive, and is normal as can be. So, none of this seems to have effected him.

In my family I take the opposite approach and try just hard enough so that my two boys always have a chance to win. As they've gotten older they've gotten better so I suspect someday they'll be able to win outright without me letting up.

However, I've already started to notice that as my older boy takes up activities that I have no experience in, he's able to beat me all on his own. For example, he's great at video games and regularly schools me. Likewise, he does down hill skiing and is on the ski jumping team. I never skiied and took it up only so that I could accompany him. He regularly gives me grief that he can beat me to the bottom of the hill or go over jumps that I don't even attempt. So, these types of things are already exerting an equalizing factor.

But, in other areas that I have personal experience (like Wrestling, fantasy football, home repairs, etc.) I take a lot of time and care to help him learn and develop (while I'm whooping his butt :wink: ). As a side note, my boy recently won a fantasy football contest that I and many of his uncles and aunts were in. He picked his team all on his own and you should have seen his grin when he was announced as the winner.

Anyhow, I don't know if all this rambling makes any sense but I guess the one thing we can all agree upon is that it's probably not a good idea to punch your boy when he finally beats you :roll: My buddy still talks about that one to this day.
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Go Bubba Go
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Re: Setting the bar / competing with kids

Post by Go Bubba Go »

Gameday wrote:In my family I take the opposite approach and try just hard enough so that my two boys always have a chance to win. As they've gotten older they've gotten better so I suspect someday they'll be able to win outright without me letting up.
I guess you have to tailor it to the kid(s) involved. I have one who doesn't mind losing repeatedly when he can see he's closing in on my fairly consistent skill level, but who gets really frustrated if he feels like he's getting better (even winning) but suspects I'm "holding back" on him.
Gameday wrote:...my boy recently won a fantasy football contest that I and many of his uncles and aunts were in. He picked his team all on his own and you should have seen his grin when he was announced as the winner.
Note to self: Desired outcome achieved. Question to self: How to grow the kids so this happens more often over time???
Gameday wrote:...the one thing we can all agree upon is that it's probably not a good idea to punch your boy when he finally beats you :roll: My buddy still talks about that one to this day.
Reminds me of the movie "The Great Santini". Certainly the extreme you're trying to avoid on the one side, while trying not to coddle them on the other. Takes more wisdom than I have on my own (hence the post, always looking to gather wisdom...).
"Who's Grandpa's neighbor?"... Phil Davis, Down and Derby
doct1010
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Re: Setting the bar / competing with kids

Post by doct1010 »

Bubba, in general I agree. A wise old sage once told me, a man's reach should always exceed his grasp. I still remember some 35 years later.
Last edited by doct1010 on Fri Jan 26, 2007 9:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Setting the bar / competing with kids

Post by PWD »

Personally I never enjoyed beating my kids at anything. But when they are young it is what happens. I let them win sometimes and I would win other times. I never knew what was best.

The first time I really, really tried and one of my kids was better I was grinning from cheak to cheak. I am a very, very competitive person but having one of my kids beating me actually ended up making me very happy. My pride took over my competitive nature.

BTW, it was snowboarding. It is unfortunate that I waited for years for my son to keep up with me and in one year it turned around and I can't keep up with him. So we basically had only a few months where we could really enjoy snowboarding together :(
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